Monday, January 10, 2011

R.I.P. Exams!

Disclaimer: The following note has been Rated R for abusive language, weird scientific and technical terms and a few deliberate grammatical errors. Reader’s discretion is advised.

But then, I don’t care!

We all have given written exams in our life. Haven’t we? (A few idiots like me are still giving those!) While writing the answers in the examination rooms we all wander around the whole world (mentally) in search of the answers and come up with thoughts instead that absolutely have no relation with the question asked. Of course, the thoughts we come up with depend on one’s state of mind and what level of thinking he/she posses. Recently I appeared in a series of exams which do not have any relation with what I’d become in the future. We’re just forced to appear and pass those exams; that’s all. They don’t care about our future and they don’t give a damn about one’s intelligence. Rather, all they care is about how many pages have been filled by the student!

Following are a few questions which I came across in the examinations and what I wrote in the form of answers to those. The questions and answers may be real or maybe not.

But then again, I don’t care!

Q.1) Draw the phasor diagram showing the effect which field current has on the three phase synchronous motor and explain it.

Brain said: God! I just got the paper and I don’t know the answer to a single question! Please god help me pass the time!

I wrote: Field current is very effective. It affects everything around it and thus is helpful in buying a new motor if it destroys it. Hence the efficiency of a new motor will be higher than the old motor and we get better results.

Q.2) Define attenuation and phase constant and derive the formulae.

Brain said: Attenuation…..attenuation….. attenuation….heck! That girl looks so hot!  I love her. I love her. I love her. I am sooooo in love with her!!

I wrote: Attenuation means extinction.  Constant means whose value doesn’t change.  Phase means a state of matter. So when a value stops acting like a constant and starts attenuating, it’s phase changes rapidly. Hence, at some point of time it stops changing its phase and the attenuation becomes constant.

Q.3) Write shot note on applets.

Brain said: The porn I saw last night was so odious. They’ve been showing the same thing since ages. The only changes are the stars who appear in them. It’s time, either I should stop watching them or update my taste and collection!

I wrote:  Applets are the compact sized laptops designed by Apple Inc. a few months ago. They have 4 GB of RAM, 60 GB of hard disk and Windows XP media center edition. They are very good.

Q.4) What is ODBC? Explain in brief.

Brain said: I gotta pee. I gotta pee. I really gotta pee….!

I wrote:  Over Direct Bi-network Current is the new type of current invented by Nobel Prize Winner Sir. C.V. Raman. It has all positive traits of normal direct current minus it’s disadvantages.

Q.5) Explain the working principle of Pyrometer with the help of a neat diagram.

Brain said: What the fuck is a pyrometer? Shit! Still an hour left! These bastards won’t let me out before time!

I wrote: Pyrometer is a meter which Potentially, Yearly, andRotationally measures Operation potential of singly excited, doubly powered, triple phase short circuited induction motor.

Q.6) Enlist the merits of EHVAC.

Brain said: Wonder what Riya thinks about me! I so like her. She has always been a part of my night fantasies. Damn! I will propose her right after this exam. She has to accept it else I’ll be heart broken!

I wrote: There are no merits in Electrically Handled Very AlternatingCurrents. Only demerits.

Q.7) What are the four Maxwell equations? Derive their differential and integral forms.

Brain said: Iski maa ka!!! Back lag gayi!

I wrote: James Clerk Maxwell (13 June 1831 – 5 November 1879) was a Scottish theoretical physicist and mathematician. His most prominent achievement was formulating classical electromagnetic theory. He created four equations which today are commonly known as Maxwell Equations. These have two forms: Integral and differential.

Apart from these answers I was tempted to write a few points at the end of every answer sheet but couldn’t. (I have guts, clearly visible. But not high enough):
  1. My name is not Ishan Awasthi and I’m not Dyslexic.
  2. I don’t need any Ram Shankar Nikumbh or Ranchchordas Shyamaldas Chanchad to give me bullshit prosyletic speeches on education, career or anything. I’m man enough to deduce them on my own.
  3. I don’t need any Rizwan Khan to run around the whole country memorizing, “I have a fan and he is not stupid.”
  4. If I can’t write answers to these questions, that doesn’t mean I don’t have any knowledge about the subject.
  5. I’m a man of average IQ and probably possess a better sense of humor than many of you guys out there!

PS: 'I', in the above note does not represent the writer by any means!