Book Review: Cricket Till I Die - Upneet Grover

Fact: Cricket is a religion in our country. Anything related to cricket, even remotely, is expected to be over the top and exciting. You get positive vibes every time cricket is introduced around you in any form. I had the same expectations from Cricket till I die. Did it fulfill my expectations or disappointed me? Well, I cannot say anything specifically to be honest. Read further to know more.

Vineet Grover(the main protagonist in the book: Cricket till I die) is a frustrated IT sector employee who has a boring and monotonous schedule. A 9-5 job, a caring girlfriend, weird boss, some good and some bad friends and a dream. Dream to represent India in cricket at international level. Professionally he wants to crack CAT and get into an IIM to have a good life. He does crack CAT and does get into FMS instead of IIM. Then what? On one journey en route his college he comes across a cricket club. Surreptitiously he visits that club and that single visit changes his life completely. He starts playing and playing well. He gets recognized and is called to a prestigious Delhi Club, where he fails miserably to please selectors. His friend Hardik flies down to Delhi to help him out by making him bat on a cemented pitch, wet ball, bowled by monsters. After dramatically getting selected to the Delhi IPL team he experiences ups and lows and learns a lot from none other than Virendra Sehwag. Does he get selected in the national team? Read the book to know about the future of his dream.

Upneet has used a very fine language with terrific and apt diction throughout the book. A few noticeable printing and editing mistakes I did come across but I think they would be taken care of in the next edition.

The story in the beginning tells us about the life of Vineet, which I found a little boring to be honest. But the anticipation of Cricket’s entry later in the book kept me guessing and I did not feel like letting it down. The moment his dream rekindles, you feel like saying, ‘Wow, now it sounds interesting!’ You feel connected to Vineet consequently. The conundrum he goes through and all. You feel it. The part where he represents the Delhi team in the stadium is the best. Though that part seems unreal at points but you don’t give many thoughts. Rather, you enjoy. The scenes where he faces the ball, scores, gets out and bowls himself are described perfectly. No glitches. The ending, I found to be dramatic. It could’ve been much better but then, the book is about cricket and cricket means expect the unexpected. And it can be good or bad. Again, the ending was not bad, but was dramatic in comparison with the rest of the events described.

All in all, the story told in a simple and an enjoyable way shows how to pursue a dream, even if it seems unreal, without giving up.

Pros: Nice theme. Apt usage of great quotes before every chapter. Simple story. CRICKET!

Cons: Slow start, Dramatic ending.

Overall: Nice Read! 3/5

Dum Maaro Dum

Hello guys, how are you all? Did you miss us and our reviews? Say yes. Even if you don’t, just say yes. We’ll feel good. After a long, long time our favorite movie reviewer visited theater to watch the movie and is back today with the review of Dum Maaro Dumand also to increase the dwindling TRP. Please welcome, LEBNOX!

“It’s good to see you again, Lebnox. How are you?”

“I’m good and am here to take care of your TRPs. By the way, how could you expect good TRPs during all these cups and leagues?” He passed his characteristic diabolical smile.

“I hate these matches as much as I love them. People tend to ignore my show during these tournaments.”

“Just thank god that you’re living in a normal world.” That smile got wider. And before we could comprehend the actual meaning of that line, he was ready for the interview.

Q. 1) Okay. I’ll start with the classic question. How will you define the movie in one word?

Lebnox:  Stylish!

Q.2) That doesn’t sound good. I mean generally stylish movies haven’t done well in the past.

Lebnox: What’s up with you? You asked one word, and I said stylish. What does it have to do with history and doing well? (His constant smile was making us nervous.)

Q.3) Nothing.Nothing. So let’s talk about the performances.

Lebnox: I don’t know why Bipasha opted for this film. There was nothing for her to perform. All she did in the movie was to take drugs, sleep with a few actors and cry. She has been wasted. Prateik Babbar has performed better in the past so I would say an okay kinda performance. His expressions throughout the movie were terrific though. And, I had forgotten everything about Adtiya Pancholi completely until I saw him acting in this movie. He was decent. His dialogue delivery was pleasantly delightful. Rana Daggubati was expression less throughout the movie. No matter what happens he stays blank. Even in his scenes where he is all singing and doing the rockstar thing, he is pokerfaced. The only man who actually performed, acted, made me smile, and sometimes irritated too, was Abhishek Bachchan. You’ll see one of his better performances in recent times in this movie. His dialogue delivery was top-notch. His expressions were stupendous and his action scenes were convincing.

Q.4) And how was Rohan Sippy?

Lebnox: I liked his different way of direction. He handled the story well. Although he seemed to be hugely inspired by the legendary Tarantino and the master of crime, Scrosese but I don’t see any reason of stealing away his credits. There is no harm in getting inspired as long as you keep projecting your own style in it. Rohani Sippy did well. His direction was fresh and fine. You don’t get bored.

Q.5) How about the story? Did it thrill you?

Lebnox: Storyline is another weak point of the movie. The movie begins with the story of Pratiek, then it drifts quickly to Abhishek Bachchan and then to Rana Daggubati and all. It all happens so quickly that you’re unable to attach yourself to any story. Writers are to be blamed. The climax was supposed to be shocking and thrilling but it confuses some, disappoints some and some find it unconvincing. Dialogues are worth applauds in some scenes and hair-pulling-hormone-generating in some scenes.

Q.6) So what did you find stylish in the movie?

Lebnox: A lot of things. The best was the cinematography. The camera work is so unique and surprisingly incredible that you just can’t help but give *WHOA* expressions. The usage of vibrant colors. There are a lot of rich colors used in the movie but they are so appropriately used that they don’t do any damage to your eye, rather you enjoy them. The music. I don’t know if Pritam is accused later for plagiarism of the songs he composed for the movie, but I liked all the songs except the stupid rap by Abhishek Bachchan and the irritating title track. I’m sure everybody likes them too. So, the overall look of the film is stylish and you will be amazed by it.

Q.7) I had thought after the gap of two months you might have lost your magical touch. I was wrong!

Lebnox: India’s win has improved my talent of crackling snappy repartees. But you still are the same.(We still wonder what he actually meant by that.)

Q.8) What's the movie about? The story, I mean.

Lebnox: The movie is based on a threesome of violence, drugs and sex in Goa. An ACP is handed over the clean-up job after the limits have been crossed. The ACP itself has a dark past. His wife had died due to his corruption and to recover from all this he takes over the job of making Goa a better place. The Drug lord isn’t happy with him and he summons the ultimate kingpin, whom no one has ever seen and has never ever been caught, to take care of ACP. A DJ who had been watching silently all the while, when his loved ones deserted him and got addicted, finally gets a wakeup call when his innocent best friend gets caught while doing an illegal thing in order to get back to his love. All these stories are connected and the climax is supposed to be shocking.

Q.9) So the movie is a hit?

Lebnox: You could’ve saved much of energy if you could’ve consulted Google. I always tell you to do so.

Q.10) Excuse me?

Lebnox: Err…Umm.. I mean the movie will do a decent job and shall recover its expences with ease.

Q.11) It’s my turn to ask, what’s up with you?

Lebnox: Nothing. You always have an option to edit this interview, but you choose to go uncensored. Such a TRP addict person you are. (We really had nothing to say after this statement.)

Q.12) Final Verdict?

Lebnox: The weak points of the movie are the storyline and some performances. Positive points are Cinematography, style, freshness, music and Abhishek Bachchan. So you when you have positive points in the majority side, you should give it a try.

He got up and was ready to go.

Q.13? Err.. Won’t you rate the movie?

Lebnox: You know what, I am just an ordinary guy with extra ordinary wits but I have no right to give marks to the movie. Simple numbers assigned to the movies by many others sometimes sabotage the reputation of the movie and not many realize while doing so that how much time, energy, brain and hard work is spent in making it. I’ve said all what I think about the movie and let people decide whether they want to see it or not. Moreover, I’m popular for being different. Ain’t I? (And there came the classicLebnoxical wink.)

And he left. We think he was absolutely right about the rating system. We ask ourselves what is 5 in the rating system? There was no answer. If anybody from your side comes up with a valid answer, he'll get to feature in our next movie review. So we conclude this interview right here and hope you enjoyed the show after such a long time.

The Social Network

You just don’t board a train only to travel. You step into a new life for a period of time. You experience some really weird, new, funny or life changing things many a times. The last time I travelled in a train, I witnessed an epiphany. A major one, to be precise.

We were in a group of three. We got into our coach and quickly unloaded ourselves with our luggage, put it under the berths and sat down to relax. I looked around. There was chaos everywhere. Suddenly, train started moving. The rumpus settled. Finally! I again looked around with a hope of finding a hot girl near my place. All I could see were some old people fighting over a stupid topic, that whether the lead protagonist of some Baalika Vadhu serial was supposed to fight with her husband or not. I rolled my eyes from their place to side berth. There was a guy sitting with his eyes closed with earphones in his ears. I smiled and took out mine. Just when I was about to browse through the media files my friend from upper berth came down.

“Oh! Android?” he asked. “Yeah!” I grinned. “Since when? I thought you had a java phone.” “ I used to. Until a couple of days back.” My grin got wider. “Dena bey 2 min ke liye. I’ll update my facebook status. It’ll say via Android. My friends will ask about it then.” He laughed. “Abey ruk, mujhey apna update karne de pehle.”  I replied. A sense of pride generated in me. My another friend spoke up, “I just updated my status saying, ‘My hometown, here I come!’ ” “How many liked it? And any comments?” I laughed. Old people stopped discussing Baalika Vadhu. They were looking at us now, bewildered. That guy on side berth was not listening to songs now. He was listening to our conversation. ‘Stupid Kids!’, they all must be thinking. I realized this later. A dual flashlight broke my reverie. I looked at my friends. They clicked a photo of themselves and uploaded it on facebook saying, ‘We in train’. “Yey! Two likes!! Oye, Smita also likes this. She likes you. Doesn’t she?” He seemed overjoyed. I felt jealous. Smita liked his pic and not mine. What’s wrong in me? Or does she really like him? At this point of time the guy sitting on side berth stood up and came near us.

“Can I sit here?” He asked. I looked at him; he looked confident and surprisingly had a lot of positive vibes around him. “Umm…Yea Yeah, of course! Why not!” I stammered. “You three from same college?” “Same class as well.” My friend answered. “He turned to me, “Travelling till last station?” “Yeah”. I replied blankly. I was not gay but I couldn’t resist from watching him continuously. Sorry, replace ‘was’ in the last sentence with ‘am’.

“Addicted to facebook you guys. Haan?” He said with a mysterious smile on his face. “Everyone is. Well almost!” I added the last part after watching those old men. “What is facebook to you?” He asked us expecting a reply from each of the three. “Facebook is the medium by which I can stay connected with my closed ones.” I said. He looked at my friends. “Same. I get to know what my friends are doing and they get to know what I am doing.” “Is that all?” The guy asked. “I guess so.” “And what about you?” He asked my friend. “Facebook is the place where I can be all what I cannot be in real life.” The guy smiled. Both of my friends gave me a Who-is-he-and-what-is-he-doing-in-our-group look. I signaled them to remain quiet. “Why do you ask?” “Just like that. I wanted to know your views.” He replied. I wasn’t satisfied. I asked him to elaborate. “To me Facebook is that ostentatious place where we just try to pretend to be very interesting and cool humans. It’s all about likes and comments. Oh well! I’m sorry I’m not supposed to comment on all of this. I’m being the intruder.” He was about to get up.

“No it’s okay. Actually I was being uncomfortable earlier but now that you’ve expressed your views, I want to know the elaborated part.” My friend spoke up this time. Even those old men looked interested. “How can you say facebook is ostentatious? I mean why such harsh opinion?” I asked. “See I’ve nothing against anything. Even I do have my profile but I don’t pass out much of my personal info there. All of my closed ones know everything about me. For sharing my whereabout details I text them. To share pics and images, I use e-mail. For other friends, the info about me is sufficient. But again, this is my personal opinion.”

He made sense. But I had to defend my point. “Sms and email take much time and you have to send them to numerous people all the time. Facebook is easy. Just one click and your details are shared with everyone. Moreover, if you’re so concerned about your privacy breach, Facebook has an option of hiding your info from selected people.” “Well, now I’d like to put forth my second statement to prove my point. Posing and editing the pics, and flaunting your wits in your statements are never bad things. In fact they are good. But, if you try to pretend you’re witty by plagiarizing the lines from here and there and using them as if they were yours, is a turn off. And, you only edit your pic when you know you are not looking good and you want to. Again you’re pretending to be smart and handsome.  Again, flaunting your English language is always good but it is of no use when you can’t converse in English. Why pretend to be a Shakespeare when you can’t even speak one line correctly? That’s only because, you think English is a cool language and people will be impressed with your superb lingo. And they are not always wrong. They are sometimes right too, until they hear you speak.”

All three of us looked at each other silently without knowing what to speak. Old men were smiling. They knew someone was speaking their minds out. “I’m sorry I didn’t ask your name. I’m Naveen.” I said, offering my hand. “Call me Lebnox.” He said, shaking my hand and smiling. Such a hypocrite, I thought. Telling a fake name and talking about ostentatiousness.

Anyway, he at least was making sense. “Nice to meet you, Lebnox.” I said, with a pretentious smile. “Also, many relationships get spoiled cuz of it. You look smart but not your friend. But he gets more likes on his profile picture than you, that too without editing. You do lots of editing and try to look smarter but no one likes your pic. You develop jealousy. You have more hot girls in your friend list than your friend, and they post numerous naughty and cute things on your wall for everyone to see and your friend starts hating you for this. He will never admit it though. Never! Your status and comments get more likes than your friend’s status and comments, he may start to backstab you to reduce the number of likes.

But, you make lots of virtual friends in that process. And a very wise person once told me, the wonderful thing about virtual friends is, knowing they exist in real life.  So it’s always upto you. Who do you choose, real friends whom you know personally and who know everything about you. Or virtual friends who are always there to praise whenever you want them to. And, they only know good things about you and can fake anytime to make you feel their presence.” He finished speaking. At least I thought he finished. Moreover, I was afraid I’d deactivate my account after hearing these many things. I looked at my friends, they gave me Kya-bey-sada-diya look.

“At least there is no harm in having fun and using it as a stress buster. Or is there any?”My friend asked in an innocent and scared manner. Lebnox laughed. “Who am I to say you should do this or you shouldn’t do this? I was just putting forward my views. But if you seriously want to know what’s on my mind, I’d say, everything should be done in a controlled and a light manner. Do not make it your obsession; do not develop strong opinions just by having a look at anyone’s profile and also, try to interact more with new people in real life. That shall help you in a better manner. Adding random people on facebook won’t help in any way until you’ve a reason behind adding them. You cannot make a girlfriend just by adding any hot girl on facebook, if you know what I mean!” He winked. It was 1.30 A.M. Everyone was asleep. Even those really old people. “Did you update your status that you’ll be arriving tomorrow morning and boring times for others are over? Via Android?” He passed a boisterous laugh and suddenly stopped himself after looking around. I felt embarrassed. “Don’t worry, just keep those three things in mind which I told you and keep being an active Facebook member. There is no harm. Albeit there is lots of fun.” He smiled and finished. This time, actually! He went back to his berth and a few moments later he was asleep. I recalled all the things he said and closed my eyes. My friends started watching porn on their cellphones. Such addiction, I tell you. Such addiction.

PS: The writer loves facebook and is an addict and won’t stop editing his pics and flaunting his wits.

PS2: The writer has nothing against old people. In fact he respects them a lot. Also he doesn’t know who Lebnox is, incase people have intentions of murdering him.

7 Khoon Maaf:FAQ

We’re back! And we warmly welcome all of you on our show. After The Blue Umbrella, Vishal Bhardwaj again collaborated with Ace Short Story Writer Ruskin Bond this time and came up with Saat Khoon Maaf based on Suzanna’s Seven husbands. We don’t know about you all, but Lebnox, being our favorite is again here to review the movie.

“Err… You Okay Lebnox?”

“How do I look like?”

“You look kinda scared!”

“Kinda? How do you expect a guy who vowed to dream-marry Priyanka Chopra, look normal after he saw her marrying multiple times and murdering all her husbands the same time?”

“Err… You sure you’ll be able to sit for the interview today?”

“Pay me anytime to squabble about movies and I’m game!” He winked. Giving Devilish expressions. This time, we were kinda scared.

Q.1) Okay Let’s begin, describe the movie in one word.

Lebnox: (After thinking for a long time) Dark! (We could only hope that he was just thinking and nothing else).

Q.2) Does that mean good or bad?

Lebnox: Depends on one’s perception about the word ‘dark’. (He is still scared we guess.)

Q.3) How was Priyanka?Lebnox: (Now smiling) She was good. I mean, she has proved from time to time, that she is quite versatile. This time, she had to portray the character of a woman who longs for true love. And all she gets with her husband is insult, stress and torture. She, after much introspection, decides to kill him. Remember, she hadn't got her true love. Now, she meets another guy whom she finds attractive and perfect in first meeting and eventually they marry and again she discovers some dark and hideous secrets about her second. She tries not to give up this time and works hard to improve her husband’s condition. She fails. She kills. This cycle goes on and on and on. She ultimately becomes a psycho. This really tough role to play and she performed maturely and marvelously. Full marks to her. (The excitement in his tone was comprehensible).

Q.4) And how were others?

Lebnox: Neil Nitin Mukesh, like I always say, is growing with every movie and this one was not an exception. John Abraham actually looked like a rock star in his character. Irrfan Khan was good. Not very good I mean. Aleksandr Dyachenko was a big surprise as he played his character with a natural flair. Naseruddin Shah was superb. There were two exceptional performances. Anu Kapoor and Vivaan Shah. Anu Kapoor’s acting experience was visible as he was an absolute delight. Vivaan Shah having no acting experience and despite getting the main lead inthis big movie, was unperturbed about having big actors along with. You’re gonna love his innocence and performance. I guarantee. Usha Uthup was terrific and Ruskin Bond in his cameo was amusing.

Q.5) What about Vishal Bhardwaj?

Lebnox: Some were disappointed with him after Kaminey. I wasn’t. Some again will be disappointed after Saat Khoon Maaf. I’m not. I was happy with Kaminey. I’m happy with this one.

Q.6) What would you say about the music and cinematography?

Lebnox: Since when did you start asking this question? (Winked) The song ‘Darling’ was obviously awesome. Another song ‘Oh Mama’ was irritating and others were simply ignorable. Cinematography was brilliant. Priyanka’s expressions have been captured wonderfully. The sets and the colors used in the movie were super apt. And yes, the make up artist did an outstanding job. Simply outstanding!

Q.7) You seem to be normal now.

Lebnox: Is it a question? If yes, how am I supposed to answer it? (He passed an evil grin. We were embarrassed.)

Q.8) I did not mean that. Okay.So the movie is a hit?

Lebnox: Not super hit. But yeah it’ll do good. Certainly. Moreover, I want it to do good. Priyanka effect you know. But the review is not biased. Certainly not.

Q.9) I guess we might have to use much of our brain during the movie. Am I right?

Lebnox: (Chuckles)Why are you afraid that you might have to use your brain before watching any movie? It is not portable that you have to think twice before taking it along with you to the theater. Is it? (Winked) (He was sounding a little rude. We thought. But then we’ll pass. It’s cuz of him this show is hit. Isn’t it) No offense man, I was kidding, what will I be without your show? (Smiles. Everywhere) You don’t have to you use it. At least not until the last scene. The last scene was actually something!

Q.11) What will be the best part about Saat Khoon Maaf?

Lebnox: The interval message. Ha-ha! And yeah, of course Priyanka Chopra and Vivaan Shah. Count Anu Kapoor too.

Q.12) Final Verdict?

Lebnox: Many, may find this movie, tedious, boring, irritating, dark, disturbing or even disappointing. Actually not many, a few. But it is good. Believe me. If you do make sure that you’ll definitely try to understand Suzanna’s point of view. You’ll be satisfied with it.

And he left. May be he rushed back home to watch a comedy. He was acting weird today. May be cuz he couldn’t handle Priyanka marrying multiple husbands and ultimately murdering all of them. Such filmy man he is. And yes, he rated the movie 3.5 out of 5.

Meet Lebnox!

Here I am. This is me. And I’ve been told a few of you are after me. Some with good intentions and some with better! I’ve also been told I cannot write a diatribe against anyone. Bad! I always wanted to that.  The main problem with me is, I have hardened myself in the excess of jocular way, that a man cannot tell whenever I’m serious. Mind you, I did not mention women (read girls)! I’m also not an outright snitty person, but yes, I am a short tempered man.I believe a perfect sense of humor is a sine qua non for every successful and controversial status. I just have to work hard to make mine perfect.

                              *                *                 *

I was not always like this. I used to be a sane, cute and an affable boy. I used to live like a normal man. I used to study a lot, watch movies a lot and listen to songs. A lot. But, doing these things never helped me in any way. My grades never passed muster, I never became a movie star, and I never became a singer. I used to get beaten up for saying no to bad things. I was used to abuses. I was thwarted by anyone and just anyone. People would look up to me a stupid kid who was good for nothing.  Until one day; when everything changed.

I was walking around a place, feeling surreptitious. And, I met a man. He looked familiar to me. “Hello kid”, he said to me. I looked at him. He was also looking at me. That was obvious and I was stupid. “Hello!” was all I could say. “Lost in the vagaries of life. Ain’t you, kid?” He smiled. I frowned. “So? You came to me to show another change? Or to throw another taunt towards me? Or to just make fun of me?” I couldn’t believe I said so much. “Hence proved kid. You’re lost.”He deduced. I felt sad. I thought he had come to help me, just like in the movies, where people like him come to the lead hero to guide him to success and give him powers to defeat the villain. Hence proved. I was stupid. “Okay. I got it. Now let me go.” I said waiting for him to disappear. “Sure I will. But don’t you have unanswered questions? Unsolved quests? You’re right kid, I am here to help you.” His smile got wider. Still not enough wide to be called a grin.  See, I was really stupid. And what the hell? Did he just read my mind?!?!  

“Why I am always bullied? I read books, where all the geeks, fatties, nerds, and idiots get success eventually. I watch movies, where I see all of the things happening, like the villain is always smart but he always abducts people and does bad things, but the hero, initially being a big loser and idiot defeats him and gets girl eventually so my question is, when will I get to do those things and when will I get my status? I am tired of being called a loser. Give me some super powers also.” He was blown away. And you guys, please do not think bad about me, as I was a small kid that time. Very small and cute. And innocent. I was 19. And shit! What the hell was I asking from him? He might have run away. Fortunately, he didn’t. Else you couldn’t have known about me. Lebnox. 

“Calm down kid, calm down. You know what your problem is? You’re too restless! Just tell your brain to become stable and then try to ponder; you’ll get your answers easily. And please, stop following those books and movies. They are never real. All they can do is to brain wash you and fill that tiny thing with idiotic thoughts.” He announced. I still wonder what he meant by ‘tiny’. I told you, I was always bullied, even this man who was sounding good, just did.

"Kid, where does it come from, this quest? This need to solve life's mysteries with the simplest of questions can never be answered. Why are we here? What is the soul? Why do we dream? Perhaps we'd be better off not looking at all - not delving, not yearning. That's not human nature, not the human heart. That is not why we are here." He made sense. But was way too boring. “So, what should I do?” I asked puzzled. “Nothing! See kid, life doesn’t have to be perfect. It just has to be lived. That too in present and with those resources which you already have. Remember, super powers lie within. Just make a list of things you’re good at. Work upon them, improve them and use them wisely. You’ll embrace super powers, powers with which you can do things which others can’t. And yes, we are all special. Very special.” And I smiled. Finally. He really had a point. “Thanks dude, you can disappear now. But hey wait! When will I get a girl?” I really wanted him to answer this question. “Kid, you already have a hardware for that purpose, just look for a compatible software, install it and start using it. You’ll get result(s).” He chuckled and disappeared. You see, good things happen in good company. Even this boring man developed a sense of humor in my company. And Yes, he disappeared in front of me!! At that instant, I realized I’m special cuz he disappeared in front of me, not like in stories where people like him disappear while the other person is looking away. Please don’t call me stupid. It hurts. Really!

                             *            *          *

For obvious reasons, that was the longest day of my life and it changed me completely! So I’m happy. Now I know I can’t be a successful engineer so I don’t study. I just give my exams. I know I can’t be a movie star so I just blabber about movies and sometimes review them. I know I can’t sing songs, so I……… just download them.  And yes, the main part, people are going crazy over my name, Lebnox. Sexy it is. Isn’t it? I know I know! It isn’t my birth name. And heck! I don’t even remember my birth name. I don’t want to either. That stupid young kid sucked! I changed my name some one and a half years back!  It has brought me a big fortune. People from various news channels come to my place and book me for an episode just for a movie review. Crazy! Aren’t they? I hope not!

I have a decent fan following and people die to meet me and fight to get an autograph. Okay, that’s a bit exaggerated line but I don’t care. This is my write up and I’ll write whatever shit I want to! Okay please don’t think of me as a stupid man. It still hurts. Really! And please continue reading this write up and please bear with the length! Please, I beg of you!

Again, we come back to my name. Lebnox. I love those who like my name. (So please like it cuz I really want to love you.) And there is no particular story behind this name, and no expanded form either. I thought, I thought, and I thought; I even banged my head against the wall but I couldn’t create its full form. I created that name because I like creating names. ( Applicants, take my number and call me, I’ll create one for you as well.)

Okay enough, I’m ending this article right here. People from Time Magazine are after me cuz I have to submit this article within an hour and pose for the cover. And please, it is the original Time Magazine(abe vahi amrikka vali)  and not any local sadakchaap magazine. And yes, I’ll be reviewing movies frequently so you’ll be getting more of me. Soon!

Dil To Baccha Hai Ji

Hello there! Welcome to all of you on our show. Your controversial and favorite man is back today for the movie review. We’ll be discussing Madhur Bhandarkar’s release, Dil to Baccha Hai Ji today. Please welcome,Lebnox!

“Welcome back! You look tired.”

“It’s all Madhur’s fault.”  He sighed.

“Ready for another session?”

“Why wouldn’t I be? Moreover, I’ve got to buy medicines from the money you’ll be paying me today. I’m having a bad headache!” He winked. Finally. We smiled.

Q.1) Describe the movie in one word.

Lebnox: I don’t know. Waste? Bad? Soporific? Quote whichever adjective you like the most.

Q.2) Whoa! Why such strong reaction?

Lebnox: Cuz Dil to Baccha hai ji. (We thought his senses were damaged.)

Q.3) Err… Okay. You in a mood for the review or not?

Lebnox: Just finish this interview ASAP and let me go.

Q.4) We’ll make it quick. What about the performances?

Lebnox: Ajay Devgn was average. His comic timings were good at times. Omi Vaidya was a torture. I couldn’t stand his presence on the screen. Emraan Hashmi was excellent in the first half, but deteriorated in the second. Shazahn Padamsee was good but irritated with her dialogue delivery in a few scenes. Shruti Hasan still needs acting lessons. Shraddha Das is a novice. Tisca Chopra was first rate.

Q.5) Madhur Bhandarkar has attempted comedy this time. What would you like to say about it?

Lebnox: About whom? The director or the movie? (Really, he wasn’t in his regular moods today.)

Q.6) Director.

Lebnox: I think he should leave this genre for others. He is better in making those socially motivating, hard hitting movies.

Q.7) Kindly expand your view on the movie.

Lebnox: It’s like, you order a South Indian dish at a North Indian restaurant and you’re skeptic about how would it be like. You finally get it and you start eating it. Initially, a few pieces of the dish taste fine but after eating for some time, you start feeling irritated and pray for the dish to finish soon. (He’s hungry, we think so.)

Q.8) Okay. We got it. Did the movie bring smiles on your face?

Lebnox: It did. I mean it made me laugh at times. But, the overall effect of the movie was terrible. A few scenes were surely comic. They can make anyone laugh. But, most of the times, the movie was boring. Very boring. I fell asleep. Twice.

Q.9) For how long?

Lebnox: Don’t worry. For a few seconds. I watched  the full movie and I know the whole story. (We were wrong! He is in his full senses. Really!)

Q.10) Any positive thing about the movie?

Lebnox: Emraan Hashmi’s performance and Ajay Devgn’s expressions. And you can count the chemistry between the three guys in this list as well.

Q.11)  Should we ask about the storyline or ….?

Lebnox: Predictable. Three guys try to find love at wrong places. It’s basically about unrequited love, heartbreaks, and renewed hopes. Some of you may relate to some of the incidences shown in the movie. I did not.

Q.12) Hit or flop?

Lebnox: Can’t say. I guess average. Neither flop nor hit.

Q.13) Final Verdict?

Lebnox: Please save your time and money by skipping this one. Unless you don’t really have anything to do. Are badi bekaar movie hai yaar! And you people don’t dare twist my ratings anymore. I’m going with 1.5 out of 5. Do not change it. (He really wants to leave now.)

Like you read, he did not really leave for us anything to say. Nor, he said anything in private for us to quote.  So irritated he was! We’d pray for Indian Comedy movies to improve.  

Dhobhi Ghat

Hello again to all of you and welcome to our show. It’s been a long time since he first appeared on our show. Not that we had differences but he chose not to go public for a while. But, his hiatus has ended and he is ready again. He will be reviewing this Friday’s new release, Dhobhi Ghat. Please Welcome, Lebnox!

“Hello Lebnox! How have you been?”

“Like always, fantastic!” He smiled. We smiled!

“So shall we begin?”

“Nay! Bad idea. We’ll do it tomorrow.” He winked. We smiled.

Q.1) Describe the movie in one word.

Lebnox: Different!

Q.2) Call it Aamir Khan effect?

Lebnox: May be. May be not!

Q.3)  How different was it?

Lebnox: Very!

Q.4) And why such short answers?

Lebnox: Call it the Aamir Khan effect!

Q.5) Word on the performances?

Lebnox: The ladies are the real stars in the movie. Monica Dogra is perfect. Almost. She does a super fine job of a girl who has just come back from abroad to India to earn and learn. Expressions are perfect. Completely. Kriti Malhotra plays the small town girl, who has come to Mumbai for a living, with natural flair. She shows the gradually grown melancholy exceptionally well. Talking about the men, Prateik can rest now. I’m sure he finally has a future. Bright one! On the other hand, the person who let me down was the very person for whom everybody would love to watch this movie. Aamir Khan.  Sure his expressions and body language are strong along with his character. But somehow he does not fit in the movie. All the time you get a feeling he has been a miscast.

Q.6) So I guess that Aamir Khan effect has faded away?

Lebnox: (Laughs. Half-heartedly. Probably still not out of the movie shell.)

Q.7) So Aamir Khan has a cameo in it?

Lebnox: Who said that? I mean everybody did. Sure he has lesser dialogues than any of the lead characters in the movie but he is on screen most of the time. I guess, some would be happy after watching the movie and some would be not. Like me.

Q.8) Define different.

Lebnox: Poetic. Artistic. Documentary-ish. And different. (Smiles again.) I mean the handheld camera work with unsteady movements project the authenticity for sure but the technique used in story writing was unsatisfactory. It’s more of a documentary types. And slow. For sure. 95 minutes(without interval) seems like ages. Editing is razor sharp but shaky.

Q.9) How’s Kiran Rao?

Lebnox: Adventurous. Intelligent. And also has the support from a man named Aamir Khan. She sure has got brains, has a different thought process but needs help. Serious one. She needs to be reminded that the idea behind the publicity and film making should be same and not deceptive. A film which has Aamir Khan has to be either very thought provoking or very entertaining. Alas! The film fails to do neither.

Q.10) You’re so against the movie!

Lebnox: See, people will watch the movie for sure since they have seen such interesting promos and they know Aamir Khan’s name has been associated with it. I know they’re expecting something really out of the box so there should be someone who needs to be authentic. I did not say it’s a really bad movie. Right from the beginning I’ve been saying it’s innovative and different.

Q.11) What’s the storyline?

Lebnox: Try Google. You’ll get to know more accurate things. (Winks.) (Though we did not literally try Google. We just quoted him.)

Q.12) So the movie will be a hit?

Lebnox: I’m sure only about just one thing. It’ll not be a hit. Certainly.

Q.13) Final verdict?

Lebnox: For entertainment or emotional stimulation look elsewhere. There’s every reason you can miss this one. Unless you like to believe you’re among the intelligentsia.

And he rushed out. Important man. At least he believes himself to be. He texted us that he wanted to give the movie 3 stars out of 5. But based on the above interview I think we should go with 2.5. He also added a postscript stating everybody should go to the movie with a watch in case anybody feels the itch of checking the time. Such diplomatic man he is!