R.I.P. Exams!

Disclaimer: The following note has been Rated R for abusive language, weird scientific and technical terms and a few deliberate grammatical errors. Reader’s discretion is advised.

But then, I don’t care!

We all have given written exams in our life. Haven’t we? (A few idiots like me are still giving those!) While writing the answers in the examination rooms we all wander around the whole world (mentally) in search of the answers and come up with thoughts instead that absolutely have no relation with the question asked. Of course, the thoughts we come up with depend on one’s state of mind and what level of thinking he/she posses. Recently I appeared in a series of exams which do not have any relation with what I’d become in the future. We’re just forced to appear and pass those exams; that’s all. They don’t care about our future and they don’t give a damn about one’s intelligence. Rather, all they care is about how many pages have been filled by the student!

Following are a few questions which I came across in the examinations and what I wrote in the form of answers to those. The questions and answers may be real or maybe not.

But then again, I don’t care!

Q.1) Draw the phasor diagram showing the effect which field current has on the three phase synchronous motor and explain it.

Brain said: God! I just got the paper and I don’t know the answer to a single question! Please god help me pass the time!

I wrote: Field current is very effective. It affects everything around it and thus is helpful in buying a new motor if it destroys it. Hence the efficiency of a new motor will be higher than the old motor and we get better results.

Q.2) Define attenuation and phase constant and derive the formulae.

Brain said: Attenuation…..attenuation….. attenuation….heck! That girl looks so hot!  I love her. I love her. I love her. I am sooooo in love with her!!

I wrote: Attenuation means extinction.  Constant means whose value doesn’t change.  Phase means a state of matter. So when a value stops acting like a constant and starts attenuating, it’s phase changes rapidly. Hence, at some point of time it stops changing its phase and the attenuation becomes constant.

Q.3) Write shot note on applets.

Brain said: The porn I saw last night was so odious. They’ve been showing the same thing since ages. The only changes are the stars who appear in them. It’s time, either I should stop watching them or update my taste and collection!

I wrote:  Applets are the compact sized laptops designed by Apple Inc. a few months ago. They have 4 GB of RAM, 60 GB of hard disk and Windows XP media center edition. They are very good.

Q.4) What is ODBC? Explain in brief.

Brain said: I gotta pee. I gotta pee. I really gotta pee….!

I wrote:  Over Direct Bi-network Current is the new type of current invented by Nobel Prize Winner Sir. C.V. Raman. It has all positive traits of normal direct current minus it’s disadvantages.

Q.5) Explain the working principle of Pyrometer with the help of a neat diagram.

Brain said: What the fuck is a pyrometer? Shit! Still an hour left! These bastards won’t let me out before time!

I wrote: Pyrometer is a meter which Potentially, Yearly, andRotationally measures Operation potential of singly excited, doubly powered, triple phase short circuited induction motor.

Q.6) Enlist the merits of EHVAC.

Brain said: Wonder what Riya thinks about me! I so like her. She has always been a part of my night fantasies. Damn! I will propose her right after this exam. She has to accept it else I’ll be heart broken!

I wrote: There are no merits in Electrically Handled Very AlternatingCurrents. Only demerits.

Q.7) What are the four Maxwell equations? Derive their differential and integral forms.

Brain said: Iski maa ka!!! Back lag gayi!

I wrote: James Clerk Maxwell (13 June 1831 – 5 November 1879) was a Scottish theoretical physicist and mathematician. His most prominent achievement was formulating classical electromagnetic theory. He created four equations which today are commonly known as Maxwell Equations. These have two forms: Integral and differential.

Apart from these answers I was tempted to write a few points at the end of every answer sheet but couldn’t. (I have guts, clearly visible. But not high enough):

1. My name is not Ishan Awasthi and I’m not Dyslexic.
2. I don’t need any Ram Shankar Nikumbh or Ranchchordas Shyamaldas Chanchad to give me bullshit prosyletic speeches on education, career or anything. I’m man enough to deduce them on my own.
3. I don’t need any Rizwan Khan to run around the whole country memorizing, “I have a fan and he is not stupid.”
4. If I can’t write answers to these questions, that doesn’t mean I don’t have any knowledge about the subject.
5. I’m a man of average IQ and probably possess a better sense of humor than many of you guys out there!

PS: 'I', in the above note does not represent the writer by any means!

Guzaarish

Hello to all and welcome to the show. We have a special guest tonight. He is renowned for his accurate reviews and mind blowing short stories. We have arranged for a special interview today for a review on Sanjay Leela Bhansali’s Guzaarish.

“Hello Mr. Lebnox and welcome to our show.”

“Err, I’d be more comfortable if you skip Mr.” He winked.

“Shall we proceed?”

“Shoot!”

Q.1) The clichéd question: How was the movie?

Lebnox: Magical!

Q.2) Define Magical!

Lebnox: It takes you completely into a new world. Ethan Mascarenhas’ world. You forget about your life. You just sit and watch and feel and enjoy everything. Chances are, it might change your life too.

Q.3) Did it change yours?

Lebnox: Well, earlier I just used to blog, now I’m being interviewed for my review. Isn’t that Magical?

Q.4) Any word on the performances?

Lebnox: Word? I could speak continuously on the performances and you’d be so asleep. Hrithik is terrific. Simply terrific. While watching the movie you forget Hrithik and believe he is no one but Ethan Mascarenhas. The way he expresses himself without moving his limbs is commendable. And, give me privileges and I’d give Oscar to Aishwarya!

Q.5) What?

Lebnox:  Exactly! The same expression I had while watching her perform the character. Amazing!

Q.6) How would you rate Sanjay Leela Bhansali?

Lebnox: First rate. I had apprehensions before watching Guzaarish as Saawariya was a dud. I had very less expectations from it. It surpassed everything. Superb Direction. Brilliant art work. Best after Devdas!

Q.7) Aren’t you exaggerating a bit?

Lebnox: Why would I? They are not gonna pay me for doing it.

Q.8) Rumors are that it is a rip off of The Prestige. How much of it is true?

Lebnox:  See, I would say it’s all original. Yeah I agree that a few scenes in which Hrithik performs magic are similar to The Prestige but I would like to give the credits to Mr. Bhansali. And if anybody takes the name of other movies, I’m sorry I can’t comment as I haven’t seen them.

Q.9) There are people who don’t like artistic and serious cinema. They just want to sit and enjoy. What would you say to them?

Lebnox: Guzaarish is Bhansali’s gift to them!

Q.10) I forgot to ask about the storyline.

Lebnox: Like I said, you just feel Ethan’s world.

Q.11) Bhansali's fims are a pretty heavy and always have a sad ending. Do we need to go with the tissues?

 Lebnox: If you're going just to watch the movie, you won't need them. If you have intentions of watching and understanding a good cinema, I suggest you should go well prepared. I didn't need anything. Exceptions are always there!

Q.12) You mean to say this movie does not have any weak point?

Lebnox: Sure it has a few weak points. This is not at all a perfect movie. But I'd like to take a pass. Though many would disagree and many won't like the movie. After all, these are my opinions.  

Q.13) Final verdict to the viewers of the show?

Lebnox: You have my word. Isn’t that enough? (He passes a typical Ethan Mascarenhas smile. Guzaarish effect we guess!)

Kidding! Just feel and enjoy the movie and try to understand Ethan’s psychology. I guarantee you’ll love it.

This interview was brought to you straight from the horse’s mouth! We forgot to mention he gave the movie 4 stars out of five. For more reviews keep watching. Thank you!

HARRY POTTER AND THE DEATHLY HALLOWS: PART 1

Whenever a Harry Potter book is converted into a movie (the name is enough to cast the magical spell on you even if you’ve not read any of Potter Books), the fans always have apprehensions. Read more to know why!  As Harry Potter, Ron Weasley and Hermione Granger prepare for their final showdown with Lord Voldemort and his brood of baddies – which is stretched out to two chapters for the big screen – we’re thrust into an overcast world of fear, isolation and constant tent pitching in "The Deathly Hallows."

The first thing the viewer does is to compare the movie with the book. The novel-fan expects every chapter of the book to be told in a detailed manner in the movie. And if, by this late date, you’re not well-acquainted with Harry, Ron Weasley, Hermione Granger, Voldemort, the late Dumbledore or even horcruxes, you’re out of luck. Deathly Hallows drops viewers into the bleak proceedings straight away.

Lord Voldemort’s death eaters are on a march. Major characters in the series are killed off, and there’s not a moment to mourn. The war between the good wizards and those evil wizards and traitors in the service of Voldemort has begun. Seeing all this, Harry decides to break away from his protection. He sets out with Hermione and Ron on a mission to find the rest of the horcruxes and ultimately destroy them.

The visuals are grandeur. The trio has performed well. They have matured over the period of time and the maturity in their acting is clearly visible. Ralph Fiennes as the Dark Lord is awesome. His cold expressions are terrifying.  But, there is one problem with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows: Part 1. Long stretches of the movie are set in this or that remote landscape. The audience (especially who are not familiar with the novel) gets no idea of what is happening in the movie many a times. They could only make guesses!

Direction is good. Cinematography is awesome. Effects are outstanding. Acting is terrific. Editing is poor. Very poor. So is the screenplay. The writers could easily have done a much better job. The movie has a very little to offer in two hours and twenty-six minutes. Undoubtedly, The Goblet of Fire was the best among all. 

To conclude, I would say, just go for it( to those who haven’t read the book) to enjoy the last part of the series and the visuals!

My Rating: 6/10

Thanks & Regards

Jhootha Hi Sahi

Every Bollywood movie before its release, assures us that it would be different. Almost every movie assures you this. Most of them disappoint. We all know this fact. It took me a while to muster courage for making up my mind to watch Jhoota Hi Sahi. Why this movie? Well, I generally do not follow Bollywood now, but the treatment looked fresh in the trailers. Tell you what? It turned out good but as usual left me with a few disappointments.

A geeky shy man, who stammers on seeing beautiful women, has his number misprinted on a helpline pamphlet which helps people not to give up with their life and start a fresh life. Hence, humor arises and you get a laugh. His neighbor, who also is his best friend with a pregnant sister, with another friend, is his life. The shy man also has a girlfriend whom he doesn’t love and she dominates him like anything. The twist comes when a caller, after breaking up with her boyfriend, calls him during midnight before attempting suicide, and he makes her feel better so she decides to talk to him daily and share everything. One event leads to another, and he starts lying to her about his personality.   

Special note for the writer of the film, who also happens to be the female lead in the same, her treatment of the story is completely fresh. A few of the dialogues and scenes are super hilarious. But, the story, from the first scene to the last, is a complete cliché.

The Star Cast:  John Abraham as the geeky shy man comes as a complete surprise. He acts well, manages to raise your eye brows many a times with his performance in the film. Pakhi, who also is successfully married to the director of the movie, as the caller acts like a pro. She expresses her emotions marvelously. Raghu Ram, as John’s neighbor is fantastic. He has mastered the art of making people laugh with his expressions and comic timing like anything. R. Madhvan as Pakhi’s ex is strictly OK!

The movie in parts is a complete bore but Abbas Tyrewala has handled the predictable yet fresh script superbly. His direction style is little unconventional. Mind the word little. But, he again couldn’t prevent himself from putting an ridiculous stunt scene in the end like he did in his directional debut Jaane Tu.. The cinematography is terrific. Music by A. R. Rahman is good. The supporting actors have done a brilliant job.

To conclude, I would just say, go for it for the performances and a few original and fresh scenes.

My Rating: 6/10

Thanks & Regards

Aakrosh

First of all, a warm welcome to Priyadarshan and Akshaye Khanna. Priyadarshan had stopped making good films years ago, he was busy making guaranteed super flops with Mr. Kumar. Akshaye Khanna had disappeared from films long time ago. Both have made a good comeback with Aakrosh. And, after a long, long time, bollywood has come up with a brilliant and meaningful movie. Aakrosh deals with the honor killing that has been prominent in a few villages for the past few years. The movie also discloses the actual truth behind these alleged honor killings and the real culprits behind them.   

Three students from New Delhi are found missing from the village called Jhaanjhar for the last two months. Two CBI officers ( Ajay Devgn and Akshaye Khanna ) team up to find out the truth behind their disappearance. The Jhaanjhar village, crowded with numerous corrupt politicians is terrified with the attacks going on and the police force under the Superintendent officer( Paresh Rawal) does nothing. The CBI officers have had time doing the investigation as no one in the whole village is gutsy enough to speak against the attacks and the one who tries to open his mouth is abducted by those groups. Ajay Devgn, the hot blooded, loses his cool and takes some strong actions and Akshaye Khanna, the man with the brain, takes his chances and gambles. Hard work pays off well in the end and the truth finally comes out and the village then rests in peace.

The movie has taken its inspirations from the recent cases of honor killing but on the whole it’s a work of fiction.

Acting Department is ruled by Ajay Devgn and Paresh Rawal. Both are in top form in this movie. Both are trying to outdo each other with their strong expressions and dialogue delivery. Akshaye Khanna, too has acted well but Ajay Devgn and Paresh Rawal are the show stealers.  Reema Sen does well. Bipasha Basu is wasted. Action Sequences are top notch. The chasing scene between Ajay Devgn and a group leader is outstanding. Dialogues are awesome. A few of them even manage to bring a smile on your face and compel you to clap and praise! Cinematography is average. Editing could be better. Priyadarshan has directed the movie splendidly this time. He is sure to win many accolades this time. The only absurd part of the movie is the romantic song between Ajay Devgn and Bipasah Basu.

To conclude, I would say go for it as finally a good hindi movie has arrived (which actually is rare ) and for super strong performances of Ajay Devgn and Paresh Rawal.

My Rating: 8/10

Thanks and Regards.

Anjaana Anjaani

Some people never change. Indian Film makers' are a good example. In this industry most of the films are made only for commercial success. The makers give extra weightage to the star cast and publicity gimmicks.They copy rest from the films made in hollywood. From locations to songs to scenes. It's high time that they should stop testing the audience's patience. Anjaana Anjaani is not an exception. Even a part of the main story looks very similar to our own Jab We Met. 

Directed by Siddharth Anand( of Salaam Namaste and Bachna ae Haseeno fame) the film stars Ranbir Kapoor and Priyanka Chopra. According to the story, Ranbir and Priyanka are fed up of their lives and they meet while trying to commit suicide. Things go wrong and they land up in the hospital. They try again but they fail. They, then postpone their suicide date and focus on completing one task which, according to them, was left unaccomplished and was preventing them from dying. At first, Priyanka's job is to lift up Ranbir's mood and later on it's Ranbir's job to lift up Priyanka's mood. A few insatiable events make the movie even more predictable, but a few scenes do surprise you and manage to bring a smile( or laugh for few ) on the audience's face. In the end, there seems to be no need of reminding you what happens in the end.

It would be good if Nadiadwala Grandsons stop producing films of this kind. They get highly predictable. It would be better if the makers put more focus on the script rather than on star cast and publicity gimmicks. Those movies bring more fame and money. 

Ranbir scores well in acting but everybody knows( including him ) he can do much much better than his performance in Anjaana Anjaani. His comic timing is good. His dance is good too. His physique does get a lot of wows from his female fans this time. Priyanka, look wise, is getting better minute by minute. She has a jaw-dropping looks in the movie. But again, we all know what Priyanka is capable of. She has given amazing performances in the recent past but she hasn't done justice to her role in the movie. Zayed Khan is unnoticeable as he has nothing to do in the movie. 

Direction, as mentioned above, could have been much much better. Cinematography is superb. Music by Vishal-Dadlani is good. Special mention for the song 'Hairat' sung by Lucky Ali which is exceptional. Supporting actors don't have anything to do in the movie but they carried off their part well. Editing was bad. The movie starts taking toll you in the second half. Dialogues at a few places are good and at a few places it is predictive and annoying.

To conclude, I would just say, go for it if you are a Ranbir or/and a Priyanka fan and ofcourse to see their chemistry in the movie( Only positive thing about the movie ).

My Rating: 5/10

Thanks & Regards 

  

Alternate Life

The wind was still. The sea was calm.  There was no one on the bridge. He looked down at water, and then looked up the sky. He was confused. He didn’t have the chutzpah to do it. “Do you believe in destiny?” He heard a voice. He turned around. He couldn’t see anybody. He prepared himself to make a move. “You did not answer me. Do you believe in destiny?” He again stopped and turned around. He saw a middle aged man standing and staring him. He couldn’t recognize him and his face was blurry too.

                                  A Week Ago:  

“Hey Vik! Raunak here. Outta money. Need a job. If possible, urgently.” He hung up. He needed money urgently. His landlord had been banging his door for the past three days and all his bills were pending, albeit he could have managed money from others but he too had his own set of principles. He never borrowed from anybody.

His phone rang. “Raunak! Dude, you know what an incredible timing you have. Just got a job for you. Stakes and money are high.” “I’m on my way.” He got an unsatisfying smile on his face. He wanted to do something different this time, something that could satisfy him, but there he was, embroiled in his own thoughts and principles.

“Raunak! I was waiting for you only. That’s the envelope. You’ll get everything you need in that envelope. Do it by tomorrow.” “Hmm. How much am I gonna get this time?” “How much do you expect?” Vik asked. “Considering your statement, that the stakes are high this time, I think eight figures would be good.” Vik’s jaw dropped. “WHAT? You know that’s double of what you get every time.”  “Vik, I already told you I need money and there is a bigger risk this time. You know I’m the best in this field. Give it or hire someone else.” He said. “You bastard! Looks like you’ve grown some brains lately.” Vik smirked. No sooner did Raunak leave for the completion of his job, than Vik spoke, “At least have a look at the picture once.” Raunak took the photo out of the envelope. He almost fainted.

                              The Characters:

Raunak:   27, a guy with gifted looks and a gifted mind. Couldn’t complete his graduation. Hitman by profession. Ace in assassinating people for money.

Supported by Vik, the man, Raunak’s father et al.

“I….I –I can’t do this.” That was his father’s picture. “What happened? You know him already?” Vik enquired. “He is my father.” Vik, too, was stunned. “Dude, I don’t know how to say this but job is job, he has to die, whatever it takes.” Vik stated. “Are you insane? This man is my father.” “Look, I know you two are not in contacts since ten years. Don’t get sentimental, and you’re gonna get a crore. I promise!” Vik said. “No Vik. I’m not gonna do this and I won’t let you do this.” Raunak took out his gun and shot him in the head. Vik was dead. Raunak turned back and left for his home. He thought about his father the whole day. He decided to meet him again the next day.

The following day’s news headlines were: “Member of Parliament and leading businessman Vishesh Sharma was found dead in his bungalow. According to the reports, he was murdered by a professional who shot him thrice in the chest.”

                         Present Day:

Raunak couldn’t believe what he saw and read everywhere. He had killed Vik. How anyone else could have taken up the job and assassinated his father! That was all he could think of. Memories of him and his father came all the way haunting him. The man who taught him walking, talking, and everything, the man who was the reason he was in this world, was dead. Murdered by the man with the same profession as he was in. He took the blame on himself.  Suicide was the Hobson’s choice for him. He waited for early morning. He was standing on the bridge, when he heard a man’s voice.

“Who are you?” was all he could ask him. “That doesn't matter right now. What really matters is that you shouldn’t kill yourself, considering you didn’t assassinate him and you had no hand in this.” The man said. “Who the hell are you? How do you know me?” Raunak shouted. “Like I said, that doesn’t matter right now. Calm down. Answer my question.” “I don’t know why I am responsible for his murder. Somehow I get a feeling it’s all because of me.” “How good is your physics?” The man asked. “What? I..I don’t know. I guess it’s pretty bad. What it has to do with all of this?” Raunak was confused.

“Many-worlds Interpretation. Does this term ring any bell to you?” The man asked. “Nope. What does it imply?” “It was coined by a physicist called Hugh Everett in the'50s.” “So?” Raunak was getting irritated. “The idea is, anything that could have happened in our past actually did happen in some other universe. All the alternate decisions and choices you made are still playing themselves out in another world.” The man tried to hint him.” “I don’t get it. What do you want to convey?” Raunak said.

“See, that means, you had got a job of murdering your father, but you followed your ethics and refused the job. But, it was destined to happen. Someone had to kill him. You didn’t do it. Someone else did.” He continued. “If you would not have taken up the Hitman’s job as your profession, you would not have come across Vik, who would not have offered you that job. If you would have completed your studies and obeyed your parents, you would have never got separated from your father.”  Raunak was getting it now. He recalled everything. The man was right.

“See pal, doing harm to any ordinary person or doing harm to your relative is equal in the eyes of God. The punishment one gets for doing either of the two is same. It’s your perception which makes the punishment big or small. If you had not killed the other people in the past, your Dad would have been alive.” The man explained. “Then what do you think I should do?” Raunak was clear this time. “Don’t kill yourself. You have got the chastisement you deserved. It’s time to amend your deeds.” The man finished. Raunak knew what he had to do. He took out his phone. “Hello Police Station? I’m Raunak Sharma. I’ve killed 9 people in the past of which you possess the files but are still searching for the murderer…”

As soon as he finished, he turned back to the man. He could see no one. The man had vanished. At least that’s what he assumed.